Navigating Relationship Dynamics: When One Partner is “Leaning In” and the Other is “Leaning Out”

Relationships are complex, and when one partner is fully committed while the other is on the verge of giving up, it can feel like an insurmountable challenge. As a therapist, encountering couples where one partner is “leaning in” and the other is “leaning out” is not uncommon. This dynamic can present significant hurdles, but with the right approach, therapy can offer a guiding light.

Understanding the Dynamic

When couples come into therapy, they often find themselves in different emotional and relational spaces. One partner may be deeply invested in saving the relationship, while the other might feel exhausted, stuck, and ready to walk away. This scenario can feel like a lost cause, but it is far from it.

The partner who is leaning out is often overwhelmed by repetitive, unproductive patterns that have worn them down over time. Feelings of hopelessness and despair might dominate their outlook, making the task of rebuilding the relationship seem daunting. Conversely, the partner who is leaning in might be fervently trying to keep the connection alive without fully acknowledging the underlying issues that contributed to the current state.

The Role of Therapy

As a therapist, my goal is to look at the entire picture. Changes in work, health, family dynamics, mental health concerns, and even substance abuse can all play significant roles in why a partner may feel inclined to lean out. Understanding these contributing factors is crucial in addressing the root causes of relational distress.

One critical aspect I explore is whether there has been infidelity - physical or emotional in the relationship, which can severely impact trust and emotional security. For the partner leaning in, it’s essential to evaluate whether they are being realistic about the relationship’s potential for recovery or if they are holding onto an idealized version of their partner.

The Commitment Question

My first step with couples is to ask for a time-specific commitment to working on their relationship. How motivated are both parties to stay together and solve their problems? If both partners agree, we set a tangible timeframe for marked improvement (which can always be adjusted). This period allows the couple to commit to regular therapy sessions and, more importantly, to do the necessary work outside of our sessions.

Signs of Commitment

Through this process, it becomes clear relatively quickly if the couple is genuinely motivated to repair their relationship. Commitment is reflected in their willingness to attend sessions, engage with the readings and homework, and actively work on changing their behaviors.

However, when there are excuses, missed sessions, and repeated patterns of non-productive behavior, it may indicate a lack of commitment. In such cases, I may redirect the conversation towards discussing the logistics of separation—covering topics such as living arrangements and the impact on children.

The Catalyst for Change

Interestingly, the mere mention of separation often acts as a catalyst for couples. It forces them to confront the reality of potentially ending their relationship, which can reignite their commitment to work on it. This metaphorical “ripping of the bandaid” can be the push they need to realize they do want to stay together.

Conversely, it can also lead to an acceptance that the relationship may be over. In such instances, I support them in navigating the transition towards a collaborative and civil parting.

Therapy with Kirsten

At my practice, I strive to create a safe, non-judgmental space where couples can explore these challenging dynamics. Utilizing the Gottman Method and Emotion Focused Therapy, I begin with a thorough assessment to understand the intricacies of the relationship. This approach allows us to identify specific areas of concern and tailor our sessions to address them effectively.

If you’re facing these challenges, know that therapy is not about placing blame but about fostering understanding and collaboration. Together, we can work towards a future where both partners feel heard, valued, and connected, whether that means rebuilding the relationship or moving forward separately with respect and clarity. While having one partner leaning in and the other leaning out presents significant challenges, it is far from a lost cause. Through committed effort, honest communication, and guided therapeutic work, couples can navigate this difficult terrain and find a path that honors both their needs and their relationship’s potential.